Here it is Tuesday evening and I am starting to feel my equilibrium returning after my shocking mothers day. As I posted, the day started out really nice with lots of love from the family and then it became brutal. I don’t feel that I can adequately express how shocking the day was for me. The loss of my mother was the major reason for the grief and pain but it was not the only loss that I have experienced recently.

So, I have retreated to recoup my balance and to give myself space to experience my true emotions. No more Facebook for a time, no more texting my friends, just some time in the ‘here and now’.   My husband Alan has been fantastic. He has helped me immensely to regroup. He is a real source of strength for me. Yet, he continues to not question my desire to have some personal space for growth and healing. How awesome is this wonderful man.

Finaly, I have to write my last essay for university and so I needed to be settled. So, goodnight to you all. May God truly bless your lives. I wish you love in all its many forms and I wish you a life full of people who are generous in spirit and tender of heart.

Love Debs

Just a few brief thoughts about mother’s day. Firstly, I seem to have had my cry about my mother not being here for mother’s day yesterday. Perhaps that was why I had pains in the stomach and couldn’t go to my friends party.

Today has started well, hugs and kisses from my Bella  and a card which she made saying I light up the world. I also have a gift from the children of a bottle of Channel no5. Its my first bottle and I have wanted one for a long, long time. I have been reading some very cathartic words of wisdom from the Nordic Vikings of which I identify strongly and the words that really impacted upon me was ‘what is mine will come to me’….this is the case with the perfume and also it seems to be the case on a deeper level.

Also, on  a very deep level I have been learning that I need to grow in my personhood to understand the value of patience. I must knowingly choose the option of quiet waiting as being a beneficial choice in my life. The hectic ways I have chosen in the past must be replaced, no being needy as all that I need is within me and in my faith.

This new life of mine may have difficulties as it is a new way of being in the world…I am unfamiliar with this way but the time of waiting patiently may enable a spring to fill with water  or for fruit to ripen on the bough metaphorically speaking…..

It is new but makes a profound sense to me….

Musings…..

God bless you all, please cherish those around you….

Debs.

There are no quick results when it comes to change…but I believe the change I am experiencing, which is being separated, will lead to beneficial outcomes for me. The span of time in which I give myself is one year….that is a complete circle. I have prepared my ground for growth and change within myself and I have planted the seed. Now I must cultivate my growth with care…I believ the outcomes will be in the keeping of providence..so I will continue to persevere. I cannot hasten the harvest of my growth…my standing confidently as a person, reliant on no other person for the enrichment of my soul…that belongs to God. Or for my emotional needs to be met…what I need is to be needful that I must be patient…and to recognise my own growth processes…which I am confident will lead to the ‘ harvest of the self’…

God Bless…. I hope that you are loved and nurtured within your world and that you in turn love and nurture those around you…..

Debs.

Christine, me and Marie.

Just a quick blog to mention my fabulous Aunties Christine and Marie. These two women have loved me with unconditional positive regard for 51 years. I love them very, very, much and don’t think I tell them that enough. My prayer for them is that they are truly blessed in their lives and if even a half measure of the love they have shown me is returned to them by the lord then they will be blessed beyond measure. 

They are truly beautiful. 

Warmest regards 

Deborah.

Yesterday, whilst at work my colleague and friend placed a jewelry bag in front of me and said ‘ I got this for you, I know you loved the one I got for myself’. The jewellery inside was a beautiful white and blue opal stone pendant. The stone was quite large and she was correct I had loved the one which she had been wearing in the office previously.

I had commented to my friend that when I looked at her opal stone pendant, I was drawn into continuing to look at it. and I felt a real peace in my soul. The stone was definitely having a physical effect on me. I could not stop looking at her pendant when she wore it.

So, as you can imagine this was a gift that I really appreciated. I put the pendant on my chain immediately and wore it for the rest of the day. I also touched it often, holding it in my hand gently and rubbing it with my fingers as the opal stone pendant felt smooth. This was a kinetic experience.

It is interesting therefore what happened on the way home.  By all accounts yesterday was a beaut day for me. All my work meetings were successful and productive. I enjoyed lunch out with my colleagues. We had a very refreshing session of ‘self care’  prior to the meetings. Therefore, I was surprised to find myself crying my eyes out on the drive home due to letting go of some more of my feelings over mum and Dad’s recent death. I think the opal stone is connected to my releasing deep emotions. And I will just leave it at that and allow you and me to ponder the possibilities….

warmest regards

Deborah.

Well, the big race is back on. It’s a 100 metre beach run. The race will be held in November and twenty friends and family have been invited to take part. The great race is amazing in that I have not run a competitive race since I was a kid. I am 51 years old and really out of shape. But…….I have enormous capacity for growth and change and I can and will get fit for the occasion. I hope to race against my besties and kids and beat the lot of them

This may be a bit hard to achieve as my husband was a professional footballer ( played first grade for the Balmain Tigers) plus my son Dane is a champion long distance runner and sprinter.

So, who cares I say….bring it on!!

I started training yesterday at the Gym and I have a personal trainer who spoke to me for half an hour about the future I can expect if I dont stay in peak physical condition. This is probably due to the fact that I have been in remission from Chrohn’s disease for 10 years. I need to celebrate my good health as I have been critically ill in the past.

Most importantly, I like to play with my friends. I love enjoying life and becoming ‘more’ as a human being. My time this evening after my first run was 100 metres in 17 seconds.  I will be able to improve on this over the next six months.

I will keep you all informed on how the great race is developing.

I will finish off with my favourite quote from Popeye the sailor man

” I yam, what I yam”

Warmest regards

Deborah.

Pammy and Me.

 Wednesday my day off. I felt a great way to start this terrific day would be to blog about my ‘musings’ then head for the Gym. Followed by baking a chocolate cake for the family. Then a bit of ’housework’ and then fun with Jessa ( after school). I havent been to the Gym since mum  became terminally ill. Thats about 4 months. I don’t feel like going, but I do feel like having great muscles again instead of extra weight and flab.    

But, enough about that. My ‘musings’ about the positive aspects of my bereavement. Firstly, let me say that bereavement has been a positive experience for me in that it ‘took hold of me’ and would not allow me to escape from the deep emotions of grief and loss. I had to experience these feelings. There was no choice. At first I was racked with deep groans of loss for my mother. My body felt as if a giant had grabbed me around my torso and was squeezing the life out of me. I thought I was going to faint so many times. I didn’ t faint as people who love me would gently or firmly say ‘ you are not going to faint..no fainting..just breath’. I heard these words as from a distance but I listened and I stayed with their loving, helpful suggestion. 

I withdrew from social life for a while but interestingly stayed firmly connected to Facebook which was a new social format for me. On facebook I had my best friends, friends and friends from church plus three ‘old friends’ I had not been in contact with for over twenty-five years. Facebook and these people became a ‘lifeline’ for me. I was washed with loving sentiments on a daily basis. I felt understood, loved and felt that no matter how out of character I was acting these people were accepting me and ‘helping me through my time of need’. 

As I said, I had to experience my emotions. This was new for me. As an adult survivor of child abuse ( not associated with my step father who I call dad or my mum). I deflect and disconnect from negative emotions. I liked my life to run smoothly and to neither have overly high emotions or overly low. I would fix situations quickly in order to move into the positive where I naturally feel comfortable. I learnt through mum and dads death that it is not always possible to escape from emotions or manage life. All, the plans I had previously thought up to get me through my bereavement I know saw as ‘tools to manipulate my environment’. 

With this new ‘thinking’ I grew up emotionally. Instead of escaping from my emotions or fixing the situation, I wanted to expereince my bereavement as it was another part of the ‘life journey’ between my mum and dad and me. It was our’s and I wanted it. When I accepted this ‘ truth’ as it applies to me the journey became much smoother. I made  peace with my ‘grief and loss’.   

I also changed, in that I began to assess how I had been caring for my besties and people who are in my world. I realised I had been cheating myself and them by not ‘living in the moment’ ( the Gestalt). With this new ‘insight’ I began to change how I relate to people. I openly said to a few besties ‘ I need you, I want you in my life forever, I love you’.  My friends over the last few months have become very, very, beautiful to me and important in my life. I will never forget the way  they loved me through this time. I cherish them and spend time with them. I want to keep them forever and care for them when they need it. They are the threads that make up the weaving of my life tapestry. Without them and my family, husband and children I have a life which is not lived. So, I have grown a great deal in the last few months. I, as with all people who experience bereavement have changed. I am not the same person I was before.  Mum and dads legacy of which I am sure they would be proud is that through their death I learnt to ‘live. 

With love to : Janet, Pam, Tammy, Nellie, Nancy, Sussy, Helen, Alan, Klaus, Peter and Vic. 

After 24 years of being a parent, and having four kids of various ages, I have to say parenting is hard work. I am having trouble with two of my brood due to laziness and untidiness. No matter how much I tell these two to keep their rooms clean and clean up after themselves they don’t. They are great kids but they say ‘ yes mum I will’ and they don’t. To top it all off one of them went into the laundry opened the washing machine were I had my best clothes sitting waiting for me to put them on the line and threw the dogs blanket in. The dogs stinky blanket was then washed with my lace bra’s.

I hit the roof. I demanded money for compensation. I want a new bra.

I also realise I have contributed towards this present behaviour through being soft. I have failed to follow through on punishments and reinforced that they comply with my standards. If I look at this in a gestalt therapeutic analysis I can see that I have to be firm and to own my part of what is. Looks like I have a lot of work ahead of me. I need to change myself to live in the kind of home I want. Oh, and one of the kids in question is 18 years old so he is a tough nut to crack. Whilst if I don’t keep being consistent with my boundaries with the other who is 10 years old I will not be doing her or me any favours.

Back to my original statement …..parenting is hard work.

Its 3.22 am in Australia and I am sitting at the computer. Normally I have no trouble sleeping. Tonight though my little one is at a sleepover at a close friends place and I can’t sleep. How different the house has been without my Jessa. I tried to sleep by going into her room and sleeping in her bed but it’s that messy in there that I had to come out. 10 year old’s really know how to mess up a room.

I also can’t sleep as the phone rang unexpectedly after I was sleeping early in the night and I woke up really afraid. I know that these feelings relate to mum and dads passing recently. Some of my fear is irrational such as wondering if my pneumonia will ever go away. I have had a racking cough for over a month due to pneumonia and have had three lots of antibiotics. Still, my cough persists and I worry that I will lose my breath…..

Fear that comes from grief and loss….mind body connections that come from grief and loss…..

3am and the world is sleeping.

It has been a long time since I wanted to blog. Mum and dad passed away a few weeks after each other in October and November 2009, so I found myself in a ‘place’  were I didn’t want to blog.  I felt like a ship without its anchor.

Even though I have a loving husband and children who were there for me, loving me and attending to my needs, I was floundering. This feeling was so unfamiliar to me.

How could  someone who had flown on ‘eagles wings’ through life suddenly feel so insecure? The answer to that question, for me, was that I flew because the wind beneath my wings, ( just like in Bet Middler’s song ) was coming from my parents love for me. I was secure in that love. My attachment to them was strong and secure.

When my parents died, I became aware that there are other bereavements I could go through such as losing my husband, whom I love,  or my beloved babies ( 10, 18, 22 and 24 years).  When my mind took me in this direction all I could see was a gaping black canyon. I felt as if all my attachments were now under threat.

What really helped me to find my way through this maze of deep emotional turmoil and trauma was human kindness. I must also say, my faith also played a very big part in getting my through my grief, and the prayers of those who cared for me. The warm understanding of my closest friends, close family members, community members and long-lost friends also anchored me into peacefulness.

It is the human kindness of long-lost friends which has me feeling  the most ‘awed’ and of which I want to now comment. I was lucky enough through this experience to have some people I knew over thirty years ago contact me via the phone and Facebook to offer their condolences and to metaphorically ‘ sit with me’  as I experienced my grief and loss.

 These people had no idea who I had become in the past thirty years but they didn’t seem to care. They were remembering the deep connection we once had and were willing to be with me as I rode the ‘highes and lowes’ of my little anchor-less ship.  It was sometimes  quite surreal, when I was behaving out of character, to have these beautiful people  continue to reach out to me with an unconditional positive regard. I can only say their support plus the support of my husband, children, friends and community  has helped me to find an anchor in myself  for my little ‘boat’. I will never forget the lesson that these two ’old- new friends’  have taught me. They have no motivations for their much-needed kindness other than they care for me. They do not expect anything in return except for friendship.

For my part I thank them both on behalf of my husband and myself, and end this blog by sending my heartfelt love and thanks to these two men. I know you men are so selfless that you may not even consider yourselves having done anything out of the ordinary to help, but you did. You reached out to me at a time when I needed hands to help me stand. I needed voices to tell me they knew what I was going through and that it mattered.  You were there to make me laugh, to remind me of all I have that is so special. You gave me the greatest gift of all your friendship and your time. I thank you both. Who knew that 30 years later you would be there  to help me through the loss of my mum and dad. I am looking forward to being a friend and getting to know you both as the people you are now.

Deb.